home is where the heart is?

for those of you who don't know, i've finally arrived. i've landed. i've come down from the highest of heights and come down to breathe the thick, misty air of the pacific northwest...well for two weeks anyway. but at the moment i'm on my way to San Francisco, another land of mist...well fog is the less romantic way of putting it...to....WORK. yes, it's true, after many months of "working" now it is time for real work. i'm excited and ready for a new adventure. lucky for me (and my family who were expecting to see me a little more than two weeks), this job is for about a month (until the fateful election day), and i'll gain some experience, hopefully some friends, and an idea of how ready i am to face this next step.

the last few months of my trip were full of excitement, adventure, and community building. it's too much to really get into. i don't know if i'll ever get into it. about all i can do is breathe in and out and appreciate the experiences and friendships i was blessed to make.

in new delhi i met up with a few friends who also wanted to make the overland journey to Ladakh. my traveling partners were a 19 year old guy from the UK, a 23 year old woman from Germany, and a 52 year old man from the UK. we made quite a good group of companions. i couldn't have been happier to travel with them. we took a 16 hour night bus to Manali, then a 2 day trek (by bus) up to Leh in Ladakh. what a journey. never would i have expected it could be so beautiful and hilarious. a beautiful disaster? could we say. but not a disaster in the negative sense, in the most positive imagination of the word. but, my flight is boarding at the moment, time to fly up again. the world looks different from higher perspectives.

mangoes really do make my lips itchy

delhi is as intense as people make it out to be but for some reason i though it would be terrifyingly confrontational and overwhelming. maybe for a fresh pair of travelling legs, the sea of offering rickshaw drivers, ever persistent "travel agents" and sad looking beggars would inspire a bit of a wobble and nausia. however, i've decided, almost egotistically, that i have become somewhat surprisingly, a SEAsoned traveler in some senses. at least enough to wander around this strange city in search of the modern art museum, india gate, the main shopping circle thing, and hopefully a few more breathtakingly beautiful (not smelling) sights i know this city has to offer. i'm proud of my first few hours in delhi. i arrived in the evening and made friends with the american couple here on business, a Tibetan spiritual teacher, and my German airport buddy. when they had all scattered their separate ways, I found the waiting area for the green 50 rupees bus that would take me close to the hotel area. finally after a long time it came and all those who had patiently waited piled on. it was later than i had wanted to be arriving but it was all for the sake of an adventure and saving a few hundred rupees. when i felt like i was getting close i tried to ask the man next to me but he knew "thoraa english' and me 'no hindi' but he told me to worked for the army and i discovered i do understand some hindi (thanks nepali) but i want to respond in nepali. i got off at my stop thanks to the helpful people and started the most perilous part of my journey from the New Delhi Train Station to Anoop Hotel. if you are white/tourist looking and carrying a backpack you are like a moving target symbolizing 5-10 rupees plus commission (if they manage to take you to the hotel of their choice). they all wanted me to jump aboard so they could take me where they wanted. this is why i avoided the taxi from the airport and i wasn't going to give in now. i politely declined and followed the directions of the kind police officers, web surfers in a cafe and hopeful rickshaw drivers over the train station, through the night food vendors, past the strange cows and stick pile road marker, beyond the henna creators booths, over the cow pies and rubbish piles to Anoop Hotel. Upon arrival, i cleaned myself, so happy for running water i didn't mind using and crashed into the lovely soft bed.

the several days following my arrival have been just as eventful and tiring. even when i don't do much, it is enough to make my cold shower and bed the most inviting ofer i receive. i've met some nice travelers at restaurants: the swedish couple here for a brother's wedding, the woman from holland travelling from varanasi, and Laura and Lauren from england crazily shopping before their late night flight home. and finally i've met alma and ian, two of the people i will be travelling to ladakh with. i'm so happy to be a "real" traveller now, getting places on my own a little and making my own choices. i'm not steering my own ship, getting used to the gentle rocking of the journey, knowing that any storms that come my way will once again go. but all the while thinking, mangoes really do make my lips itchy...or perhaps i'm just allergic to peanut butter/INDIA.

small people

children are the hope, the future, the joy

children also show the faults in human beings. it is hard to be so critical of such small, beautiful, energetic beings. i want to think they are all innocent, kind, well intentioned, and self less. but this is just not the case. much of my experience has been surrounding children. large groups of them in varying situations. sometimes in the classroom, other times on field trips, and mostly in their own home (except there are 40 living in one house). it is just tough to give so many individuals the attention they all deserve. what i've noticed most is the loud, courageous, and sometimes just outright pushy students/children/people in general end up getting the most attention whether they deserve it our not. hmm...i feeling that i sound negative. though it is disappointing to realize that all children are not perfect angels (especially when they are together in a big group), spending so much time listening to shouting voices and so much energy trying to quiet them also inspires me. if we could better utilize the excess energy these children have, and give them the kind of attention that allows them to do this, i think so many things could be improved. they are brilliant, creative, kind, and funny in so many unimaginable ways. for all their faults, they still are the hope, the future and the joy.

soon i leave nepal. yes, i will return. but first i must leave. i am going to india in a few weeks to experience a new culture and work in Ladakh. This is a very Northeast area of India nearby Tibet. it will be strange and inspiring, magical, yet humbling. i cannot even imagine.
imagine: http://www.pbase.com/asianodyssey/leh.
i cannot lie. i am ready for a change. i have done all i can here in nepal but really i feel like i have done very little. it is hard to do things, it seems. i feel the most i have done is created some friendships which will i hope stay with me forever. the conversations i've had with people, old and young, about life, struggle, hope, and despair are most valuable to me. though the words we spoke have now flown into the mists, the feelings they gave me will remain with me for much longer. i've luckily shared the experience with some good friends from the USA also so it will be a good support to me to have such people in my life. i have been here on my own almost four and a half months, but i never truly felt alone. hospitality toward strangers is a skill so many of us have forgotten. for foreigners the USA is a rough, unforgiving, often unwelcoming place. it is just the opposite here. for this i am thankful. i will truly miss my many didis, dajus, bahinis, bhais, anties, uncles, and aamas. what to do without such loving, welcoming, helpful family.

but it is too soon to say goodbye. i will leave but this place will always be close to my spirit and lifeblood. how to make both families happy? how to be so close and so far at once? just because i am not home, does not mean i do not miss it. just because i have a new family, does not mean i do not miss the old.

thinking of you and thanking you.

a few photos...

view of a festival in a village

south india actually happened

i understand now why blogs are so difficult to update. it's not that i don't want to, it's just that i don't do it. i'm so sorry. i know most of you have given up on me. i am really tired and suffering from a cold. malai khoki lageko chha. coughing. but i will do my best to give you an idea of what my trip to india was like. however, complete sentences are the way of the past.

16 hour night bus trip means dinner with the bus drivers...
awkward silence but i'm proud to eat with my hands

arrive in surunga, jhapa district, nepal
my dajyu meets me at 6am as the bus drivers drop me meters from his home
i drink tea and my new sisters come to take me home
tiredness overwhelms me but i am happy to meet more gautams
the little village atmosphere welcomes me, the houses all stand up on steaks
i sleep and eat and we walk to the river
so much more happens there. i feel loved, embarassed for all the attention, happy
but the next day i must go...indiama janchhu.

india is a new world at first. the sights and sounds seem so different
where did my nepal go?
then the bus starts climbing up hills. happy hills
and then we arrive, nepali words i can read once more
and i find thandiwe, my friend. we match. our dresses are the same blue color.
we walk but soon i feel a fever and sickness. i almost don't make it the long walk home.
when i do it is over. all i can do is sleep. my first real sickness.

finally i recover a few days later and meet a friend of mine from kathmandu's family.
connections are webbing outward the longer i stay here. all people are willing to take me in
kalimpong is great. much like nepal but in india things are different.
water is available to more people, lights also come on and off
there are maintained roads.

and there are trains. after a few days in kalimpong the train became my home
siliguri train station. begger children sleep on the stairs.
but once on the train we sleep on blue vinal bunks, that become sticky with sweat and dust
but heat makes us sleep. i open my book to read but my eyes close
food comes through the train. chai, coffee, chai. samosi! lunch?
always our reply is no. but always they ask and then laugh.
the nepali speakers on the train are saviours. kind, giving, looking out.

when we emerge from the cacoon train, i see a new world
bright colors, sweet jack fruit smells.
but i am dirt and sweat only. soiled takes on new meaning.
we wash and dark water flows.

wait, i just found the coolest thing...

now can type in nepali!! look दाल भात this says daal bhat...and आमा घर that says ama ghar. and एमेली that says emily। ऊप्स नो आईटी इस तुर्निंग एवेर्य्थिंग इन्तो थे स्क्रिप्ट! it started to turn everything i wrote into the script.....ook.

pugyo chha! bhayo! dhanyabad!

the food. i never get tired of daal bhat, tarkadi, and achar. (Almost) every day, twice a day and always so tasty! mitho chha!! that's lentils (almost like soup that we pour over the rice), rice, a type of vegetable (i have eaten many new kinds, like jackfriut, every kind of green vegetable, and this one called lady fingers (?), beans, cauliflower, potatoes, etc.) and pickle. the pickles are all different types. some are like salsa, some are made from ground sesame seeds, some actually taste like our pickles. usually they are spicy or bitter or a little salty to add flavour to the meal. I enjoy them very much. i always eat with my hands when possible. there is a specific way to eat and you make a sort of shovel with your hand and push the food into your mouth. it took me a while to master the technique and i still have difficulty at times. the children at ama ghar laughed at me and kept telling me how to do it until i figured it out. in nepal, everyone eats the same thing, morning and night, every day. they drink tea early in the morning, then daal bhat around 9 or 10, more tea and khaaja (snacks) around 3 or so, and then daal bhat again later in the night. i am never hungry. it is nice, but also difficult because i usually do not choose when or what or how much i eat. i am starting to ask for less rice, but less rice doesn't always mean less and even when i say i've eaten snacks, i often am served more anyway. i always eat what is put in front of me. i have to. i cannot waste the food and i do not want to be rude and refuse tea or food when it is offered to me. i enjoy it all, but now i think i am getting fat. yes, it is true. i try not to care so much, but i feel full and bloated. i don't actually thing i'm getting that fat, but maybe i am. it's hard to tell. i have started to do exercises in my room but i am also lazy. fat and lazy. where i stay now is a one minute walk to the school, so i don't get exercise walking to work. i've thought about going for walks, but again, i am lazy. when i wake up in the morning i lay in bed until manju or elija (the wife and niece of gautam, the principal) come in with my tea. so lazy. and they won't let me help clean the dishes or wash even though i try. all this is to say my gratitude for the wonderful hospitality. really wonderful. i always feel well taken care of in the food and drink department. the other things (like having running water) are outside of my hosts' control and i think it is important to recognize (and experience the truth) that so many places in the world do not have all the things i've grown up with.

so if you miss you, just think...at the end of the day i am bloated, lazy, and stinking, so you really aren't missing much!

shanti, shanti, basnuhos...

the CA elections came and went. i spent the time in front of the large screen TV in Gautam's apartment. it is an historic event and i will always remember being present in the capital of this change bound country. we ventured outside early and saw a few polling stations. men and women were dressed up, excitedly waiting to cast their votes. the women wore beautifully colorful saris. men and women lined up in different lines, to prevent injury if people got pushy...or something. anyway, it was a festive feeling event.

now i've spent the last few days in front of the TV as the ballots are individually counted. it is a slow process, as voting was not done electronically and the ballots were just paper with a backward swastika stamped by the chosen candidate's name. overall the voting was done in a peaceful manner, welcomed by the internationally community and the citizens of nepal. the days and weeks leading up to the vote were plagued by violence, intimidations, murders, and fear. i personally never felt unsafe, but it was disheartening to know that these things were taking place. the candidates and members of the political parties put themselves and their families in danger by hoping for a Naya Nepal and a chance at democracy. the gernally peaceful manner of the election day (a few people died and voting was suspended in some regions) was a hopeful sign.

now the results are coming quickly and constantly. and the "ex-rebels" as the world is calling them have prevailed overwhelmingly. the moaists, or moabadi as they are called here, have won in many more places than expected, and by surprisingly large margins. now everywhere is talk. moabadi, moabadi, moabadi. i hear the word every few minutes it seems. and the talk is not bad. people are hopefully defeated. the old, "trusted" parties have been defeated embarrassingly. for some this signals the will of the people for change, but also it is tinged with the violence of the past, intimidation and fear the people felt and may continue to feel. the leader of the moaists proclaimed a few weeks before the election the if they did not win the majority "a peaceful war" would continue for the causes of the moabadi.

i am not sure what is instore for this small country. as i read about the economy, oil prices, rice crisises around the world, daily bombings in the middle east and elsewhere, war in sri lanka, election disputes in zimbabwe, petty behavior in the usa's own primary elections, i wonder what i'm doing here, what i'm doing at all. ke garne? means what to do? in Nepali. it is actually not said very often, but westerners, tourists, whoever have coined it as a key phrase of this place. i'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, lost, and just pointless these days. i'm asking myself kina garne? why do? i know it is a passing phase, a momentary stall in my usually hopeful attitude.

when things are changing here, at home, when i cannot engage in any of them as i should, i am standing still as things spin out of control around me. sighs...i just hope this peace is here to stay.

11 march, 2008

i've been in nepal one month now. still it seems normal somehow. i've been meaning to write about the amazing web that connects me to this place. first its occidental. melyssa and gabe's plans are what first made it possible for me to be here. they planned almost a year ago to be in this place. i meant it when i said i would meet them here, but i don't know if i really believed it could become a reality. then sam is here so that's three good friends in nepal at one time. it i am meant to be here, it is now. once i almost decided to book my ticket, my mom met Hillary, a woman at 24 hour fitness who is working to start an NGO here in Kathmandu. It aims to reduce the large population of street dogs here and set up local and international adoption for the dogs. She put me in contact with her good friends who i have spent time with going to cultural festivals, sightseeing, and beginning more long term projects. Gautam, a school principal has big plans for me once Gabe and Melyssa leave. Anil and Ram also have many opportunities for me to see new things and also influence the community. Since I've been here I've met a good friend of Ashley's, Tanya once time. Her friend Jess is a good friend of Kali's, another Portland connection. Another Portland connection began officially last week. As some of you know, I met a man about my age on a Trimet bus a few weeks before I left. He gave me the name of a Nepali teacher in Portland named Daya. I met with him at his wif'es shop on Sandy and 42nd (my hood). He gave me some journals on Newar studies he published with his son. This week I finally delivered them to Subin, his son here in Kathmandu. I hope to see him and his family more. As I write this, I am Pokhara at the hotel managed by a friend of Ram's (Hillary's friend), Dharma. They have a cultural show of music and dance playing now so i hear flutes, drums, cymbals, and energy.

I guess it comes in waves. The naturalness of being here and the weirdness of it too. i've been smashed up against people, baskets, and seats in the public transportation, crossed the reeking Bagmati river, seen crippled beggars with mangled fingers, limbs, been approached by small children asking for chocolate and breast feeding mothers seeking spare change. i've seen beautiful countryside (even a few mountain views), Buddhist and Hindu cultural heritage sights, restored buildings, Tibetan dance, Buddhist monks, Hindu temples, stupas, Newar villages and the simple daily life of the village people. i've met educated Nepalese youth, over stimulated toddlers, educators, and dreamers. all have an interest in a New Nepal, a semi reality that could begin to materialize in a month after the CA elections. the problems this country face are visible even in the most 'western focused' areas. in Thamel, the tourist hub, we walked past a groupd of kids sniffing glue, smoking, and urinating on the sidewalk midday. Dogs and children lose their hair, trash layers mar ancient monuments, electricity, gas for cooking and transportation run short, drinking water constantly causes intestinal diseases. these problems are immediately apparent. imagine those hidden beneath the exterior. hope i see as well. beauty everywhere. in the people and bright color in clothing, painted buildings, fruit, thanka paintings, and food. color that can inspire. i hope. keep energy and belief in chance alive. this is such an important time and i pray for these people and this place. for a future where the sacred mountains once again look down upon the valley people through clean air and where the fresh water runs happily through a peaceful, prospering city, alive with culture, pride, and opportunity.

ramro chha, bhok lagyo chiana!

much has happened since my first entry i think but it is hard to comprehend and express at the moment. i am still trying to soak up the language and culture as well as the political unrest and difficult daily living situations.

it is hard for me, as a guest in this country, to begin to sympathize or understand the challenges facing the local people of this village Taukhel and of this Nepal. as a guest we are consistently brought tea and biscuits, even when cooking gas is unavailable for most of the population in Kathmandu. we are offered snacks, warm water to shower (when the sun shines strong enough), a western style toilet, and or own bed and room. in this house 37 children and young adults occupy maybe 8 rooms. four of us volunteers take 2 rooms. and this Ama Ghar has so much compared to most other people. it is so good. each child has art supplies donated by visiting korean teachers, cards and board games, sports equipment, DVDs and CDs and so many strong willed, educated, independent minds. when the power is out, music still finds a way. the lights just came on but the excited cheers barely interrupted the singing i hear from my room. today the newspaper announced that each household will receive 6 more hours of electricity per week. that means load shedding will be in affect for 41 hours (meaning the power is shut off) instead of 47 per week!

i am amazed by the strength of the people here. just like anywhere else the children are full of energy and talent. many people are well educated and informed about world events and history. much more educated than me. and yet they still look to me, a college graduate with no experience, as the answer to their lack of inspiration. what do i have to offer? very little yet i represent to them something great. i don't exactly know what that means yet. i don't want to let anyone down, but i am doing all i can do to soak up all the experiences i'm having.

nothing seems all that profound initially but i know this experience will always influence my life decision and the paths i take.

ama dal! auntie bhat!

it is hard to believe it's only been a little over a week since i stepped off Thai Airways 319 into the sunlight of Kathmandu. that days was by far the clearest day we've had and i don't mean because there are always clouds. we could see the Himalayan range, which i have learned is a rarity in this valley. a rarity because of the smog filled atmosphere which makes the hill less than 2 miles away a greenish brown blur. Environmentally speaking, Nepal is discouraging, politically speaking, the future just as unstable as the trash piles floating down the Bagmati river. But then there are the children. I have been blessed in so many ways. First with the opportunity and support to leave my home and encounter a new world in this small, volatile country. second, with the companionship of melyssa and gabe, who showed up at my hotel in Bangkok with bags of Malaysian snacks and Thai food. And third with the many friends awaiting our arrival in Nepal. My experiences thus far have included exploring many Hindu temples, Buddhist stupas, eating samosas and roti (flatbread), experiencing a festival in a village called Sankhu, riding public transportation (mostly small vans packed full of people bouncing on dusty roads), and Ama Ghar. The majority of our time has been at a lovely four storey house full of 37 children, 4 volunteers and a rotating set of Nepalese staff and the American director. It is a full house, a loving home that has made being away from my own too easy. Melyssa and I share a room and the situation is ideal. We wake up when we want about 6:45 but get to lay in bed for awhile while the children get breakfast and dressed for school. We get amazing tea and then help the children with their homework if they need it. When we stay at Ama Ghar for the day, we are served dal bhat, rice and lentils at 10 which is always amazing. The children return by 4 and we spend the afternoon playing volleyball, hide and seek, or drawing. The children are so funny and kind and loving. The youngest ones are 8 and seem younger than that to me. They are small but very smart and love drawing (and particularly love having me draw for them). They are very well taken care of but of course just seek attention from us. I am so glad they have the resources and encouragement to explore their creativity. All of the children have their own talents and I am amazed by their dancing, guitar playing, reading skills, and desire to teach us their language and culture.

Being in Nepal feels very natural to me. I know i stick out as a foreigner but it doesn't seem to hold such a the negative stigma as other places. it is a privilege i am well away of being a white american. We have met several nice Nepalese people our age who are wiling to help us and show us around. We have spent several good sight seeing days with Anil, a friend of Hillary from Portland. He took us to his village, has taught us some Nepali and checks in with us frequently to make sure we are happy happy. We also met with Sam who is in Kathmandu and will see other friends from college and Portland as time unfolds. I am healthy and happy thus far. Internet is difficult to get right now so please be patient with me as I will not be able to update very often. love you all.

hours

just weeks

not going to lie i'm pretty nervousexcited about the trip, not excitednervous. nervous a little more than excited, but both feelings are strongly present. i am going to LA thursday which will be a good escape from all the things i should be doing, but those things of course remain patiently waiting for me when i return. but it is all doable. my main goal is to spend quality time with everybody i love, but not be stretched. my grandma is my biggest priority. and my parents of course.

i'm so thankful to have found comfortable in portland. i could come back and know i'd be taken care of by my friends and family. i feel confident that this is a place to always call home. but wander i must and there is no telling when the wonder of it all will subside. but comfort i have found when i'm ready. i hope it is here to embrace my weary traveled soul in its water heavy clouds and spring shooting grass. thank you thank you this place.

blazers videos

i felt like posting these because they make me happy.

feeling at home

so it is now less than a month. i will be in bangkok awaiting my flight to nepal. woo! so crazy. i am checking things off my lists of things to do. kind of. at least i'm getting some of the important things completed but i have goals of painting, cleaning out my room, reconnecting with people and i fear some of those may suffer as the days sneak by.

however, i feel at peace. really at home here in portland now. you'd think that would make it hard to leave. and i guess on some level it is tough but at the same time i'm gaining confidence. this is my home. it will always be my home, whether i come back here right away, later in life, or even never. but i suspect i will be back. it is already calling back at the same instant the whirling world calls me to go forth into its turbulent cloudy expanses.

i feel teeter-tottering on the edge. maybe on the edges. the edge of adulthood. the edge between the past and the future. ecstasy and reservation. ignorance and enlightenment. haha, well maybe not on the edge of enlightenment. but somewhere closer to some approximation of truth. my own truth, not the world truth. for nothing universal i am searching. i search selfishly for that inner guidance i hope to find in the greater lost world; to find the compass directing me buried in the directionless wanderings of human lives. maybe there is a path we all take, wandering here or there, that is somehow determined by something else. by something.

ben harper says:
Life is a blurry-eyed, heavy-hearted whirlwind of a storm
Some things just hurt too much to cry
Memories are like shadows the light won't make disappear
I still see you smiling with your eyes

Did you go back from where you came?
If I get there, will they have my name?
If they don't, I'll only have myself to blame
For all these things, true happiness is having wings

i say the blazers are the real deal. i found two of my dad's old t-shirts. i knew he had these shirts. i distinctly remember them from my childhood. i found them just in time.

First

Well now. My stomach is telling me something big is coming up. Or it could be the fudge and cheese I ate for dinner. Either way, something big is coming up. In about a month I will be boarding a plane headed WEST. But somehow I'll end up in the EAST. What is direction anyway? Up, down, mean little when one is ungrounded. I all I know is that I'm going. There is nothing in my way, says the title of the Keane song I'm listening to now. And really for the last few years there has been nothing in my way, except myself. Now that my trip to Nepal is so quickly rushing upon me, there are visa requirements, hours of plane rides, language barriers, and thousands of miles in my way. But still it is nothing. This freedom I feel within myself is unparalleled. Maybe a bit like flying, guided only by the rising and falling of the feathering air currents. The air itself is both part of me and a force beyond my control. A freedom I know I am privileged to experience. So many dream of embarking on some life adventure but it remains a wispy phantom mist. Others can never even conjure up a ghostly imagined world different from the stony reality carved by the eyes of hopelessness. But my world blooms for me. I intend to spread the rich seeds cultivating within as my own petals embrace life's sunlit arms.