feeling at home

so it is now less than a month. i will be in bangkok awaiting my flight to nepal. woo! so crazy. i am checking things off my lists of things to do. kind of. at least i'm getting some of the important things completed but i have goals of painting, cleaning out my room, reconnecting with people and i fear some of those may suffer as the days sneak by.

however, i feel at peace. really at home here in portland now. you'd think that would make it hard to leave. and i guess on some level it is tough but at the same time i'm gaining confidence. this is my home. it will always be my home, whether i come back here right away, later in life, or even never. but i suspect i will be back. it is already calling back at the same instant the whirling world calls me to go forth into its turbulent cloudy expanses.

i feel teeter-tottering on the edge. maybe on the edges. the edge of adulthood. the edge between the past and the future. ecstasy and reservation. ignorance and enlightenment. haha, well maybe not on the edge of enlightenment. but somewhere closer to some approximation of truth. my own truth, not the world truth. for nothing universal i am searching. i search selfishly for that inner guidance i hope to find in the greater lost world; to find the compass directing me buried in the directionless wanderings of human lives. maybe there is a path we all take, wandering here or there, that is somehow determined by something else. by something.

ben harper says:
Life is a blurry-eyed, heavy-hearted whirlwind of a storm
Some things just hurt too much to cry
Memories are like shadows the light won't make disappear
I still see you smiling with your eyes

Did you go back from where you came?
If I get there, will they have my name?
If they don't, I'll only have myself to blame
For all these things, true happiness is having wings

i say the blazers are the real deal. i found two of my dad's old t-shirts. i knew he had these shirts. i distinctly remember them from my childhood. i found them just in time.