a lot to explain

the whirlpool has finally settled. i rest once again at my home in portland, soaking up realities like a reluctant sponge. one you have to squeeze a few times before water easily rushes out.

i've been squeezed a few times already. it doesn't hurt at first...but later on a little soreness persists. but like every muscle, lactic acid in the heart also dissolves. finally the pain eases. pain is a beautiful teacher. scars left over from rough encounters heal but always remind us of our careless fragility. a scar is a wildly used symbol, but fitting here. it is a consequence.

i think lately i've been seeking my consequences. life is full of recklessness, but in my case i think extreme. in my own mind i believe this anyway. i know there is a lot to explain that i just cannot. but sometimes one being survives a long time in a craze. constant flight keeps harm steps--sometimes miles, behind. a head above the foaming waves allows in and out breaths. even as predators circle the clear waters below, quick fluttering feet make bubbles disguising vulnerability.

but consequences--short lived or long lasting, request an emergency landing...the momentary calm acknowledgment of dangers below.

this does apply to me

however, each day teaches us multitudes. knowledge seeps in quickly when the water tight mind-vessel tears.

maybe i tried to be plastic coated...impenetrable. a "man-made" bubble resisting true consequences. but karma has a way of sticking a sharp pin through the thickest armor. even without knowing it, a leak develops...quickly compromising comfortable ignorance.

soon i'm swimming frantically...spitting and gasping as wisdom makes it way down my throat.

but to be a sponge...always filled with life-giving moisture. atoms holding the mystery of life and death. taking in and giving in balance. learning, losing, and welcoming the outside vision. accepting reality as the nourishment sustaining growth.

this moment i soak...the universe ocean gently entering the pour-like wholes in my mind.

eye of the storm

"I shall walk across the land that has been chosen

And I shall climb the mountain so high,
I shall go across the sea and across the ocean
And sing with the bird in the sky,
Its only jah up above man who leads the way
Under whose shadow I abide,
Me say you’re running and you’re running and you’re running away
But from yourself you know you can't hide"

जय ॐ नुमः शिवाय

by Apache Indian

for a while, there i was...drowsy eyes watching the spinning chaos surround and envelop me.
in a rare moment, the peripheral winds would penetrate my senses,
window panes' familiar rattle reminding me of a world losing its mind.

spring's pollen twirls ribbon-like
the wind energy serving an important
purpose

spreading genetic magic,
time encompassing capsules
holding complex patterns of life
humans vainly try to map and improve

but we also spread our pollen in the winds
and must learn to value its magic
and fear its vast power

for it holds every moment of human history,
future moments
and hope for something better

but carelessly it is tossed...
misunderstood
the winds do not make this mistake

dazed and confused

always i am busy...seems to be my nature to fidget and fuss about something. never quite satisfied. there's always something to worry about even if your own life is perfect. and who's life is? can i meet you? i'd just admire your peaceful admiration for the world but i could never be that way. could i...?

i guess this moment i am a little too tired, warm, and ready for sleep. willa, my aunt julie's dog has already drifted into doggy dream land at the foot of my bed. probably seeing visions of jerky treats dancing in her head. i'll envy that until i, too, slip into a different world...one hopefully void of violence, natural disaster, and fear. dreamless sleep is far more appealing to me than dreaming of those things. i am apt to dream furiously, and painfully, so definitely no dreams are better then even the good, slightly twisted ones.

sleep, will you please leave the cords of my mind untangled tonight?

i would be so grateful.

Missing Peaces...

It's been over 6 months since I returned from my travels--yet my mind still wanders, wondering what exactly happened. Still I feel like I'm journeying, always on the move. Settling feels difficult when the desire to move is strong, but I've slowed down enough to look back and breathe.

It's been over 6 months and I feel I am finally ready to explore the path I have taken and reflect upon who I am becoming. It feels strange to write knowing the power will stay on all night and I'm not rushed to complete this entry before my hour is up or something unexpectedly interesting interrupts me.

Now only my Gmail and Facebook distract me from clarity of thought. Constant reminders of my vast network of love, support, and connections that I think of so often but seldom reach out to. Coming home, to Portland (for it will always be my place of peace) allows me to come up for fresh air after many months of swimming....a little oxygen deprived.

I'd like to take some time to share my journeying. Mostly share with myself, because I have yet to really discover the complexly woven pattern binding me to this life on earth. But also to dig up within myself any wisdom I harbor...to share with you. Whoever you are. Whoever I am. By living we all absorb the collective knowledge held by the universe of time. We don't always know it, but each of us have the opportunity to share it, piece by piece, in whatever medium most comfortable.

I will attempt to do this. It may take many months, years, my whole life. But if we are all patient, beautiful images may spontaneously exhale into view. Or upload into view. Just wait, peace by peace....