To Nepal and Back

My journey to the AMI training must have started the first day my mom dropped me off at Whole Child Montessori. It was just shy of my third birthday. That first day I probably cried. The second, I walked straight to class without looking back.

I've always held on to very vivid memories of my primary years at Whole Child. While much of life has whizzed by me, my memories of preschool float peacefully, like the white mushroom clouds outside my window after days of rain. They don't intrude, but rest as friendly reminders of my roots. Yes, my roots. Normally I think of my roots as my great-grandmother who immigrated from Ireland or the cemetery in Page, North Dakota where my relatives are buried. But right now my roots are what keep me grounded. What feed my hungry soul. Right now those roots are my memories of Montessori.

I have lots of them. From the ages of nearly three until fourteen Montessori was the only education I really knew. But still I stress the clarity of my memories from my primary (3-6) years. In my application essay to Montessori Institute NW (where I will be attending in the fall) I discussed this very topic:

"I close my eyes. Quickly my Montessori classroom renders itself in my mind. Every time, I’m amazed at the details I unearth: the memories and feelings. I remember my devastation when the porcelain horse I brought for Show and Tell broke it leg. The joy when I zipped, buttoned and tied the wooden frames. My amazement when my teacher sucked the water out of our fish tank to clean it. But mostly I remember a clear sense of myself attending primary in an environment that nurtured a passion for learning through exploration and experience.

Through these memories I have come to understand the skills and personal qualities Montessori has helped me develop throughout my life; and it is these same memories that draw me back to Montessori now, back to the point where I embarked on my biggest adventure: a life of learning."

Recently I found this photo while cleaning out (purging more accurately). See, I just returned home. Home from Nepal. While Nepal features prominently in my return home to Montessori, I'll leave the explanation of its significance to another day. Back to the photo: the image exemplifies my point. This is what I remember. Only through an inner calm and confidence in myself could I achieve this state of concentration. At age three or four I wanted order and created it wherever I could. From a box of several hundred multicolored beads I chose one color to place in a line. Now, twenty some odd years later I would do anything to be able to sort, order or organize the piles of stuff currently creating islands around my room. Chaos became a resident in my life long ago and I have long been searching for that calm eye inside the twirling storm. Finally I (re)found something: Montessori.

With my decision to attend MINW this fall and pursue my Masters in Montessori Primary Education at Loyola MD, I am going back to my roots; revisiting those memories to unlock their forgotten lessons. Ultimately I will harvest new meaning and sprout deeper roots, anchoring me more firmly when the winds of life again blow.

Stay Tuned....

I often think how different it is to write in public: putting my thoughts out for all the world to search and tag and comment. So here is a direct address to you, written over a few weeks ago, that is still relevant today.

I am sitting on a purple bench in at gate 1 in the Hong Kong airport. I'm on the last hour of my 10 hour layover here. Soon we'll be boarding our plane to Kathmandu. I am so tired I cry spontaneously. I can tell my travel muscles are weak and unused. I think I'm at my low point, but still am so excited to be returning to Nepal.

March 29, 2010: "For some of you, much of the following will be old news, but for others, I may not have contacted you in at least 2 years. I apologize for being out of touch, if that is the case, and thank all of you for being in my life and sharing it with me.

I feel compelled to write you all for various reasons. There are many things happening in my life that I want to share so you can be a part of them as well. Where to start?

Wednesday is my last day with the Ama Foundation. I have been working for this small non-profit organization for over 1 year now. I first became involved while living at Ama Ghar Children's Home in Nepal. Ama Foundation supports Ama Ghar so I have been working here in San Francisco sustain the operations of Ama Foundation so that the underprivileged Nepalese children have a bright future. It has been a wonderful journey and I have received so much for all the time and energy I have given this organization.

What's next? Well, I thought that in the beginning of April, I would be moving back to Portland to start a new chapter of my life there. I still am but there is a twist. I will actually be returning to Nepal around the 9th of April to spend time with my boyfriend's father, who is living in Kathmandu (yes, I have a boyfriend from Nepal, who I met in San Francisco. We've been together for over a year!). I look forward to returning to Kathmandu, where my eyes were opened to the world in many new ways and spending at least a month visiting my friends and family there. Those of you in Nepal, I hope to see you. I fear one month is not long enough to see all the wonderful people I met there two years ago.

When I return from Nepal, I will be moving back to Portland. I'll spend the summer there, hopefully working and enjoying my favorite fruits (peaches and berries). In the fall, I'll begin a one year program at Montessori Institute Northwest to become a primary teacher (for children ages 3-6). Through my adventures, job with Ama Foundation, and Montessori upbringing, I have come to see myself as a Montessori teacher and I couldn't be more excited to start this program.

I have so many thoughts and feelings about all of these changes, but I cannot fully express them yet. All I know is that I am ready to take it all on.

Thank you for your support throughout the years. Whether I've known you my whole life, or I met you recently, you are all special to me.

Now, one last thing that is hard for me to do, but I find so important. As you know, I've been working to support the orphaned and abandoned children at Ama Ghar in Nepal. I ask that if you have not already, please consider making a donation to the Ama Foundation. Currently, we are running a campaign to raise money to install a sustainable water conservation system at the new Ama Ghar home near Kathmandu. This system will purify gray water and keep pollutants out of the nearby river. It will also promote innovative green technologies in the local community. Please support this effort if you are able. It would mean so much to me and the community of Ama Ghar. Visit http://www.globalgiving.org/projects/amafoundation-h2o-conservation/ to learn more and donate.

Thank you again for your time and support. Even when I am alone, I know I have so many friends and family members all over the world. Please keep in touch."

a new beginning

after many months, i sit to reflect. i have new ideas. using all the amazing knowledge bestowed upon me in the past few years...it's all coming together. i guess i don't want to torment over decisions or pain myself at which direction to take. I believe that the right thing comes to all of us, without the difficulty and struggle. like clouds breaking, allowing the clear light to penetrate our being...an insight otherwise hidden will make itself known.

the other day i decided i want to apply to the pre school montessori training program in portland. it wasn't all that hard. i had a thought and decided to investigate the reality of my idea. after a few moments of discovery, i decided it was the right thing to do. a few tears followed. but of relief. it has been a while since i felt that way. knowing that this moment has brought me this far and that i now have a choice.

maybe i have not expressed here the amazing feeling i've experienced since traveling. like my life clicked and it all was out of my control. after that moment, though i cannot pinpoint it exactly-i realized i was riding a nice, comfortable wave...taking me to Ama Foundation, Curry Without Worry and a relationship that means something more than I know. Yes, I can say I have fallen in love and I am so grateful for this and for the person and energy represented by this relationship. Really, I can see that my whole journey was for this reason. To find a complement and someone to learn from and understand the world from his perspective. not to discount my own, but always it is important to look at things differently than natural. sometimes i struggle, with my own emotions, expectations and hopes. I care so much that sometimes i find myself getting angry and upset. why these feelings? what do they matter? i guess my conclusion is that they do matter. always. but they do not have to consume, debilitate. in my life i let my emotions take me over...make any action difficult and pointless. instead i must learn to accept them as feeling but never reality. all we are is waves. up and down...pushing and releasing the energy inside and outside.

nothing matters yet everything hold importance. details are just moments of clarity and joy or sorrow. however...we hold on to too much. this or that memory is just that. it passes and life moves on. things and remembrances. they are life but also cannot define it.

lately i need my hood. something to cover me...my head, my mind, and my energy. not to hide, but to be protected from the many unknown forces push and pressing. but i've decide a new direction. after months of floating and letting the wind and waves dictate my path, i've push back. paddled forward. paddled in a direction. forward or backwards are irrelevant. it feels good. to take a stand for my own future. regardless of others and letting go of obligations i feel.

Montessori. that deserves a capital letter. an amazing woman who inspired a movement. i just see this as a jumping off point. using all i know to better the world without disregarding my own life and loves and hopes. babies and home and food and friends. all of this is just as important as saving the world. if we can all live happy lives, the world problems dissolve. however, i also feel pulled toward the suffering cultures and lives out there. so many places. no one is an island. someone once said. there is way to service my own need while also giving all to a larger power.

at the moment i don't feel i am doing service to my own being. while i may be giving to others, my personal vibrancy is suffering. this can be changed. i'm not worried. just this moment i need to embrace as i have many others. don't wait for something better to come. this is now and it is all we really have. the cycle that is our happiness continues. moments of sadness are happiness manifesting. life.

thank you. world for allowing my creation. and all how have supported it since it inception. always the holidays conjure up memories of my grandmother Ruth. love to family and struggles and joys that word manifests.

love to all who sacrifice and hope and believe. peace. and peaces.

may the poodle within all of us reveal the simplicity of joy. yes.

a lot to explain

the whirlpool has finally settled. i rest once again at my home in portland, soaking up realities like a reluctant sponge. one you have to squeeze a few times before water easily rushes out.

i've been squeezed a few times already. it doesn't hurt at first...but later on a little soreness persists. but like every muscle, lactic acid in the heart also dissolves. finally the pain eases. pain is a beautiful teacher. scars left over from rough encounters heal but always remind us of our careless fragility. a scar is a wildly used symbol, but fitting here. it is a consequence.

i think lately i've been seeking my consequences. life is full of recklessness, but in my case i think extreme. in my own mind i believe this anyway. i know there is a lot to explain that i just cannot. but sometimes one being survives a long time in a craze. constant flight keeps harm steps--sometimes miles, behind. a head above the foaming waves allows in and out breaths. even as predators circle the clear waters below, quick fluttering feet make bubbles disguising vulnerability.

but consequences--short lived or long lasting, request an emergency landing...the momentary calm acknowledgment of dangers below.

this does apply to me

however, each day teaches us multitudes. knowledge seeps in quickly when the water tight mind-vessel tears.

maybe i tried to be plastic coated...impenetrable. a "man-made" bubble resisting true consequences. but karma has a way of sticking a sharp pin through the thickest armor. even without knowing it, a leak develops...quickly compromising comfortable ignorance.

soon i'm swimming frantically...spitting and gasping as wisdom makes it way down my throat.

but to be a sponge...always filled with life-giving moisture. atoms holding the mystery of life and death. taking in and giving in balance. learning, losing, and welcoming the outside vision. accepting reality as the nourishment sustaining growth.

this moment i soak...the universe ocean gently entering the pour-like wholes in my mind.

eye of the storm

"I shall walk across the land that has been chosen

And I shall climb the mountain so high,
I shall go across the sea and across the ocean
And sing with the bird in the sky,
Its only jah up above man who leads the way
Under whose shadow I abide,
Me say you’re running and you’re running and you’re running away
But from yourself you know you can't hide"

जय ॐ नुमः शिवाय

by Apache Indian

for a while, there i was...drowsy eyes watching the spinning chaos surround and envelop me.
in a rare moment, the peripheral winds would penetrate my senses,
window panes' familiar rattle reminding me of a world losing its mind.

spring's pollen twirls ribbon-like
the wind energy serving an important
purpose

spreading genetic magic,
time encompassing capsules
holding complex patterns of life
humans vainly try to map and improve

but we also spread our pollen in the winds
and must learn to value its magic
and fear its vast power

for it holds every moment of human history,
future moments
and hope for something better

but carelessly it is tossed...
misunderstood
the winds do not make this mistake

dazed and confused

always i am busy...seems to be my nature to fidget and fuss about something. never quite satisfied. there's always something to worry about even if your own life is perfect. and who's life is? can i meet you? i'd just admire your peaceful admiration for the world but i could never be that way. could i...?

i guess this moment i am a little too tired, warm, and ready for sleep. willa, my aunt julie's dog has already drifted into doggy dream land at the foot of my bed. probably seeing visions of jerky treats dancing in her head. i'll envy that until i, too, slip into a different world...one hopefully void of violence, natural disaster, and fear. dreamless sleep is far more appealing to me than dreaming of those things. i am apt to dream furiously, and painfully, so definitely no dreams are better then even the good, slightly twisted ones.

sleep, will you please leave the cords of my mind untangled tonight?

i would be so grateful.

Missing Peaces...

It's been over 6 months since I returned from my travels--yet my mind still wanders, wondering what exactly happened. Still I feel like I'm journeying, always on the move. Settling feels difficult when the desire to move is strong, but I've slowed down enough to look back and breathe.

It's been over 6 months and I feel I am finally ready to explore the path I have taken and reflect upon who I am becoming. It feels strange to write knowing the power will stay on all night and I'm not rushed to complete this entry before my hour is up or something unexpectedly interesting interrupts me.

Now only my Gmail and Facebook distract me from clarity of thought. Constant reminders of my vast network of love, support, and connections that I think of so often but seldom reach out to. Coming home, to Portland (for it will always be my place of peace) allows me to come up for fresh air after many months of swimming....a little oxygen deprived.

I'd like to take some time to share my journeying. Mostly share with myself, because I have yet to really discover the complexly woven pattern binding me to this life on earth. But also to dig up within myself any wisdom I harbor...to share with you. Whoever you are. Whoever I am. By living we all absorb the collective knowledge held by the universe of time. We don't always know it, but each of us have the opportunity to share it, piece by piece, in whatever medium most comfortable.

I will attempt to do this. It may take many months, years, my whole life. But if we are all patient, beautiful images may spontaneously exhale into view. Or upload into view. Just wait, peace by peace....