after many months, i sit to reflect. i have new ideas. using all the amazing knowledge bestowed upon me in the past few years...it's all coming together. i guess i don't want to torment over decisions or pain myself at which direction to take. I believe that the right thing comes to all of us, without the difficulty and struggle. like clouds breaking, allowing the clear light to penetrate our being...an insight otherwise hidden will make itself known.
the other day i decided i want to apply to the pre school montessori training program in portland. it wasn't all that hard. i had a thought and decided to investigate the reality of my idea. after a few moments of discovery, i decided it was the right thing to do. a few tears followed. but of relief. it has been a while since i felt that way. knowing that this moment has brought me this far and that i now have a choice.
maybe i have not expressed here the amazing feeling i've experienced since traveling. like my life clicked and it all was out of my control. after that moment, though i cannot pinpoint it exactly-i realized i was riding a nice, comfortable wave...taking me to Ama Foundation, Curry Without Worry and a relationship that means something more than I know. Yes, I can say I have fallen in love and I am so grateful for this and for the person and energy represented by this relationship. Really, I can see that my whole journey was for this reason. To find a complement and someone to learn from and understand the world from his perspective. not to discount my own, but always it is important to look at things differently than natural. sometimes i struggle, with my own emotions, expectations and hopes. I care so much that sometimes i find myself getting angry and upset. why these feelings? what do they matter? i guess my conclusion is that they do matter. always. but they do not have to consume, debilitate. in my life i let my emotions take me over...make any action difficult and pointless. instead i must learn to accept them as feeling but never reality. all we are is waves. up and down...pushing and releasing the energy inside and outside.
nothing matters yet everything hold importance. details are just moments of clarity and joy or sorrow. however...we hold on to too much. this or that memory is just that. it passes and life moves on. things and remembrances. they are life but also cannot define it.
lately i need my hood. something to cover me...my head, my mind, and my energy. not to hide, but to be protected from the many unknown forces push and pressing. but i've decide a new direction. after months of floating and letting the wind and waves dictate my path, i've push back. paddled forward. paddled in a direction. forward or backwards are irrelevant. it feels good. to take a stand for my own future. regardless of others and letting go of obligations i feel.
Montessori. that deserves a capital letter. an amazing woman who inspired a movement. i just see this as a jumping off point. using all i know to better the world without disregarding my own life and loves and hopes. babies and home and food and friends. all of this is just as important as saving the world. if we can all live happy lives, the world problems dissolve. however, i also feel pulled toward the suffering cultures and lives out there. so many places. no one is an island. someone once said. there is way to service my own need while also giving all to a larger power.
at the moment i don't feel i am doing service to my own being. while i may be giving to others, my personal vibrancy is suffering. this can be changed. i'm not worried. just this moment i need to embrace as i have many others. don't wait for something better to come. this is now and it is all we really have. the cycle that is our happiness continues. moments of sadness are happiness manifesting. life.
thank you. world for allowing my creation. and all how have supported it since it inception. always the holidays conjure up memories of my grandmother Ruth. love to family and struggles and joys that word manifests.
love to all who sacrifice and hope and believe. peace. and peaces.
may the poodle within all of us reveal the simplicity of joy. yes.
1 comment:
Beautifully written Em, and it reflects so much of what has been going around in my head too. Especially the part about floating on the waves, and needing to paddle a certain direction. I am in a place where I need to take action too, but I haven't just yet. I'm so glad you've found a direction. Let me know when you're back in Portland (for the holidays?)
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