a new beginning

after many months, i sit to reflect. i have new ideas. using all the amazing knowledge bestowed upon me in the past few years...it's all coming together. i guess i don't want to torment over decisions or pain myself at which direction to take. I believe that the right thing comes to all of us, without the difficulty and struggle. like clouds breaking, allowing the clear light to penetrate our being...an insight otherwise hidden will make itself known.

the other day i decided i want to apply to the pre school montessori training program in portland. it wasn't all that hard. i had a thought and decided to investigate the reality of my idea. after a few moments of discovery, i decided it was the right thing to do. a few tears followed. but of relief. it has been a while since i felt that way. knowing that this moment has brought me this far and that i now have a choice.

maybe i have not expressed here the amazing feeling i've experienced since traveling. like my life clicked and it all was out of my control. after that moment, though i cannot pinpoint it exactly-i realized i was riding a nice, comfortable wave...taking me to Ama Foundation, Curry Without Worry and a relationship that means something more than I know. Yes, I can say I have fallen in love and I am so grateful for this and for the person and energy represented by this relationship. Really, I can see that my whole journey was for this reason. To find a complement and someone to learn from and understand the world from his perspective. not to discount my own, but always it is important to look at things differently than natural. sometimes i struggle, with my own emotions, expectations and hopes. I care so much that sometimes i find myself getting angry and upset. why these feelings? what do they matter? i guess my conclusion is that they do matter. always. but they do not have to consume, debilitate. in my life i let my emotions take me over...make any action difficult and pointless. instead i must learn to accept them as feeling but never reality. all we are is waves. up and down...pushing and releasing the energy inside and outside.

nothing matters yet everything hold importance. details are just moments of clarity and joy or sorrow. however...we hold on to too much. this or that memory is just that. it passes and life moves on. things and remembrances. they are life but also cannot define it.

lately i need my hood. something to cover me...my head, my mind, and my energy. not to hide, but to be protected from the many unknown forces push and pressing. but i've decide a new direction. after months of floating and letting the wind and waves dictate my path, i've push back. paddled forward. paddled in a direction. forward or backwards are irrelevant. it feels good. to take a stand for my own future. regardless of others and letting go of obligations i feel.

Montessori. that deserves a capital letter. an amazing woman who inspired a movement. i just see this as a jumping off point. using all i know to better the world without disregarding my own life and loves and hopes. babies and home and food and friends. all of this is just as important as saving the world. if we can all live happy lives, the world problems dissolve. however, i also feel pulled toward the suffering cultures and lives out there. so many places. no one is an island. someone once said. there is way to service my own need while also giving all to a larger power.

at the moment i don't feel i am doing service to my own being. while i may be giving to others, my personal vibrancy is suffering. this can be changed. i'm not worried. just this moment i need to embrace as i have many others. don't wait for something better to come. this is now and it is all we really have. the cycle that is our happiness continues. moments of sadness are happiness manifesting. life.

thank you. world for allowing my creation. and all how have supported it since it inception. always the holidays conjure up memories of my grandmother Ruth. love to family and struggles and joys that word manifests.

love to all who sacrifice and hope and believe. peace. and peaces.

may the poodle within all of us reveal the simplicity of joy. yes.

a lot to explain

the whirlpool has finally settled. i rest once again at my home in portland, soaking up realities like a reluctant sponge. one you have to squeeze a few times before water easily rushes out.

i've been squeezed a few times already. it doesn't hurt at first...but later on a little soreness persists. but like every muscle, lactic acid in the heart also dissolves. finally the pain eases. pain is a beautiful teacher. scars left over from rough encounters heal but always remind us of our careless fragility. a scar is a wildly used symbol, but fitting here. it is a consequence.

i think lately i've been seeking my consequences. life is full of recklessness, but in my case i think extreme. in my own mind i believe this anyway. i know there is a lot to explain that i just cannot. but sometimes one being survives a long time in a craze. constant flight keeps harm steps--sometimes miles, behind. a head above the foaming waves allows in and out breaths. even as predators circle the clear waters below, quick fluttering feet make bubbles disguising vulnerability.

but consequences--short lived or long lasting, request an emergency landing...the momentary calm acknowledgment of dangers below.

this does apply to me

however, each day teaches us multitudes. knowledge seeps in quickly when the water tight mind-vessel tears.

maybe i tried to be plastic coated...impenetrable. a "man-made" bubble resisting true consequences. but karma has a way of sticking a sharp pin through the thickest armor. even without knowing it, a leak develops...quickly compromising comfortable ignorance.

soon i'm swimming frantically...spitting and gasping as wisdom makes it way down my throat.

but to be a sponge...always filled with life-giving moisture. atoms holding the mystery of life and death. taking in and giving in balance. learning, losing, and welcoming the outside vision. accepting reality as the nourishment sustaining growth.

this moment i soak...the universe ocean gently entering the pour-like wholes in my mind.

eye of the storm

"I shall walk across the land that has been chosen

And I shall climb the mountain so high,
I shall go across the sea and across the ocean
And sing with the bird in the sky,
Its only jah up above man who leads the way
Under whose shadow I abide,
Me say you’re running and you’re running and you’re running away
But from yourself you know you can't hide"

जय ॐ नुमः शिवाय

by Apache Indian

for a while, there i was...drowsy eyes watching the spinning chaos surround and envelop me.
in a rare moment, the peripheral winds would penetrate my senses,
window panes' familiar rattle reminding me of a world losing its mind.

spring's pollen twirls ribbon-like
the wind energy serving an important
purpose

spreading genetic magic,
time encompassing capsules
holding complex patterns of life
humans vainly try to map and improve

but we also spread our pollen in the winds
and must learn to value its magic
and fear its vast power

for it holds every moment of human history,
future moments
and hope for something better

but carelessly it is tossed...
misunderstood
the winds do not make this mistake

dazed and confused

always i am busy...seems to be my nature to fidget and fuss about something. never quite satisfied. there's always something to worry about even if your own life is perfect. and who's life is? can i meet you? i'd just admire your peaceful admiration for the world but i could never be that way. could i...?

i guess this moment i am a little too tired, warm, and ready for sleep. willa, my aunt julie's dog has already drifted into doggy dream land at the foot of my bed. probably seeing visions of jerky treats dancing in her head. i'll envy that until i, too, slip into a different world...one hopefully void of violence, natural disaster, and fear. dreamless sleep is far more appealing to me than dreaming of those things. i am apt to dream furiously, and painfully, so definitely no dreams are better then even the good, slightly twisted ones.

sleep, will you please leave the cords of my mind untangled tonight?

i would be so grateful.

Missing Peaces...

It's been over 6 months since I returned from my travels--yet my mind still wanders, wondering what exactly happened. Still I feel like I'm journeying, always on the move. Settling feels difficult when the desire to move is strong, but I've slowed down enough to look back and breathe.

It's been over 6 months and I feel I am finally ready to explore the path I have taken and reflect upon who I am becoming. It feels strange to write knowing the power will stay on all night and I'm not rushed to complete this entry before my hour is up or something unexpectedly interesting interrupts me.

Now only my Gmail and Facebook distract me from clarity of thought. Constant reminders of my vast network of love, support, and connections that I think of so often but seldom reach out to. Coming home, to Portland (for it will always be my place of peace) allows me to come up for fresh air after many months of swimming....a little oxygen deprived.

I'd like to take some time to share my journeying. Mostly share with myself, because I have yet to really discover the complexly woven pattern binding me to this life on earth. But also to dig up within myself any wisdom I harbor...to share with you. Whoever you are. Whoever I am. By living we all absorb the collective knowledge held by the universe of time. We don't always know it, but each of us have the opportunity to share it, piece by piece, in whatever medium most comfortable.

I will attempt to do this. It may take many months, years, my whole life. But if we are all patient, beautiful images may spontaneously exhale into view. Or upload into view. Just wait, peace by peace....

home is where the heart is?

for those of you who don't know, i've finally arrived. i've landed. i've come down from the highest of heights and come down to breathe the thick, misty air of the pacific northwest...well for two weeks anyway. but at the moment i'm on my way to San Francisco, another land of mist...well fog is the less romantic way of putting it...to....WORK. yes, it's true, after many months of "working" now it is time for real work. i'm excited and ready for a new adventure. lucky for me (and my family who were expecting to see me a little more than two weeks), this job is for about a month (until the fateful election day), and i'll gain some experience, hopefully some friends, and an idea of how ready i am to face this next step.

the last few months of my trip were full of excitement, adventure, and community building. it's too much to really get into. i don't know if i'll ever get into it. about all i can do is breathe in and out and appreciate the experiences and friendships i was blessed to make.

in new delhi i met up with a few friends who also wanted to make the overland journey to Ladakh. my traveling partners were a 19 year old guy from the UK, a 23 year old woman from Germany, and a 52 year old man from the UK. we made quite a good group of companions. i couldn't have been happier to travel with them. we took a 16 hour night bus to Manali, then a 2 day trek (by bus) up to Leh in Ladakh. what a journey. never would i have expected it could be so beautiful and hilarious. a beautiful disaster? could we say. but not a disaster in the negative sense, in the most positive imagination of the word. but, my flight is boarding at the moment, time to fly up again. the world looks different from higher perspectives.

mangoes really do make my lips itchy

delhi is as intense as people make it out to be but for some reason i though it would be terrifyingly confrontational and overwhelming. maybe for a fresh pair of travelling legs, the sea of offering rickshaw drivers, ever persistent "travel agents" and sad looking beggars would inspire a bit of a wobble and nausia. however, i've decided, almost egotistically, that i have become somewhat surprisingly, a SEAsoned traveler in some senses. at least enough to wander around this strange city in search of the modern art museum, india gate, the main shopping circle thing, and hopefully a few more breathtakingly beautiful (not smelling) sights i know this city has to offer. i'm proud of my first few hours in delhi. i arrived in the evening and made friends with the american couple here on business, a Tibetan spiritual teacher, and my German airport buddy. when they had all scattered their separate ways, I found the waiting area for the green 50 rupees bus that would take me close to the hotel area. finally after a long time it came and all those who had patiently waited piled on. it was later than i had wanted to be arriving but it was all for the sake of an adventure and saving a few hundred rupees. when i felt like i was getting close i tried to ask the man next to me but he knew "thoraa english' and me 'no hindi' but he told me to worked for the army and i discovered i do understand some hindi (thanks nepali) but i want to respond in nepali. i got off at my stop thanks to the helpful people and started the most perilous part of my journey from the New Delhi Train Station to Anoop Hotel. if you are white/tourist looking and carrying a backpack you are like a moving target symbolizing 5-10 rupees plus commission (if they manage to take you to the hotel of their choice). they all wanted me to jump aboard so they could take me where they wanted. this is why i avoided the taxi from the airport and i wasn't going to give in now. i politely declined and followed the directions of the kind police officers, web surfers in a cafe and hopeful rickshaw drivers over the train station, through the night food vendors, past the strange cows and stick pile road marker, beyond the henna creators booths, over the cow pies and rubbish piles to Anoop Hotel. Upon arrival, i cleaned myself, so happy for running water i didn't mind using and crashed into the lovely soft bed.

the several days following my arrival have been just as eventful and tiring. even when i don't do much, it is enough to make my cold shower and bed the most inviting ofer i receive. i've met some nice travelers at restaurants: the swedish couple here for a brother's wedding, the woman from holland travelling from varanasi, and Laura and Lauren from england crazily shopping before their late night flight home. and finally i've met alma and ian, two of the people i will be travelling to ladakh with. i'm so happy to be a "real" traveller now, getting places on my own a little and making my own choices. i'm not steering my own ship, getting used to the gentle rocking of the journey, knowing that any storms that come my way will once again go. but all the while thinking, mangoes really do make my lips itchy...or perhaps i'm just allergic to peanut butter/INDIA.